Every day I wake up and say to myself, “Alright, it’s time to get crackin’ on chapter ___, you’ve been wasting a lot of time.” And more often than not, I go to bed without having written a single word. Not because I don’t know what to write, but because I become overcome with this sensation that maybe I don’t know what I’m doing at all or maybe I just suck. I guess it’s weird to admit that I lack the confidence sometimes, but I really do. For instance, I always make an outline of what needs to happen before I even start into the prose, and literally 100% of the time I deviate from the outline within two or three paragraphs.
Looking back on things like that, it really makes me doubt myself. On Monday, I’ll be really excited about some idea and jot it down. On Wednesday, I might get to the point where it’s being written and decide it’s not so great. What if several months down the line, several chapters in, I decide that all of it’s not so great? Do I just start over? Well, hopefully not. I guess I’d have to hope I’d have just a tad more faith in myself.
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I had a notification from Writers in the Storm again with the most appropriate post for the occasion. I’ve honestly read of famous writers having the same doubt I’m having more times than I can count. And every time I read some of their quotes, it usually makes me feel a little better, but today it really hit home for me. It proves that I’m not alone in this, and that my writing very well might not suck. I’m sure it really worked for me today because I feel like there’s no turning back at this stage in my novel.
Speaking of which, I still don’t know if my poetry is any good. But it enables me to talk about things I normally wouldn’t talk about so I don’t suppose I’m gonna be stopping any time soon. Once I combined my feelings about writing poetry with my self-doubt in writing the novel, it just hit me that I’m being stupid. Even if it does suck, I have an obligation to myself to persevere and finish the damn thing. Even if its hot garbage, it’ll be my hot garbage. And I think I’ll just be proud of myself when it’s done, whether or not its well received.